I'm Glad My Mom Died

If a good book makes you think, then this is undoubtedly a great book.

Parents' Dreams and Expectations

• Can't say no to parents.
• Orders phrased as suggestions.
• Parents want you to have what they don't have, without considering your desires.

I have to take breaks while reading because it resonates so strongly with me.

In the summer of 2009, I took the IELTS exam for university admission. LSE required a score of 7 on all 4 parts (listening, reading, writing, and speaking), and my last score was an average of 8, but my speaking score was 6.5.

I was content with the result, as my second choice, Warwick, didn't require a 7, and I would have been happy to attend there instead of LSE. However, my mom and brother weren't satisfied, and I'm unsure about my dad's opinion.I couldn't say no to both of them; perhaps I could have refused one, but not both.

As a result, I spent the last summer before university attending classes. I barely paid attention or cared, so it came as no surprise when I received the same score the second time I took the exams.

This pattern has repeated itself numerous times throughout my life. No one cares about my wants or needs, so I pretend to do as they say while ensuring that I sabotage the results out of spite. Consequently, my grades were usually just passable.

I did what you told me, but I wasn't good enough. Try harder? Sure, I lied.

It's a vicious cycle of high expectations that I neither want nor care about. If they don't care about my desires, why should I give them the satisfaction of my success? Pushing me to excel in things I don't care about only leads to a half-hearted effort on my part.

Present

This is why my parents still believe I can't take care of myself. I'm doing okay, but they expect me to excel in life.

Change

Back then, I thought I could achieve more if I put in more effort, but I didn't want to. Now, I'm not sure if that's true. Perhaps I did my best at the time, but my parents weren't satisfied, so I made up an excuse to blame myself. Even if that's the case, I did the best I could, and if it didn't meet their expectations, so be it.

They may have had a number on me, but I can't blame everything on them. Even if it was their fault, I still have to fix it. After all, I'm living alone now and working on unlearning certain behaviors and thought patterns.

Abuse

I've heard of many cases in which victims defend their abusers, especially children who genuinely believe their parents have their best interests at heart. As they grow up, they slowly come to the realization that they were abused, but they often beat themselves up because they perceive these thoughts as negative and bad.

The book contains numerous recollections that illustrate this point.

Recovery

Recovery is possible, but it's a long and challenging journey.